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Lets get real for a bit, yeah?

For over twelve years I've suffered in silence with my depression.
Last summer is the first time I've gathered enough strenght to go ask for help, as we're mostly considered "weak" for not being able to deal with "a bit of sadness" as people so nicely put it most of the time.
After visiting the doctor I got sent to a therapist.
A very nice one too.
I saw her a total of 3 times, and then I got a job, that unfortunately gave me workhours that didn't allow me to be able to see her anymore.
She asked me if I needed to see her, but I lied and said things were fine because I had gotten a little bit of my life back in order.
I got some self-help books, which I like so say helped a bit, but I never finished them because work got a bit overwhelming and I never found time for myself again.
Jump forward a few months, and my mum passes away.
It didn't really come as a surprise, so it didn't affect me like my dad's death did, even though his wasn't really a surprise either as he was ill with terminal cancer.
The only thing that got to me after my mums passing was the funeral stuff.
Juggling 7,5hr workdays and go home and having to do stuff regarding my mums passing was a lot for me to take.
But the thought of being weak and silly came back once more and I swallowed whatever sadness/anxiety I had and continued with work and life as usual.
As of late I've been very sensitive and I've had problem sleeping, and having to take naps in the afternoon.
I eat poorly, sometimes I don't eat at all, and then I binge on shitty foods instead.
Last summer both the doctor and my therapist recommended going on anti-depressants but my stupid self wanted to heal without medication.
But as of late I have been feeling I do need that push, that little piece of help to calm my mind and help me deal with things.
So, I called the doctor this morning and got an appointment for 10am.
Down to the doctors I went, and I was asked about a lot of stuff but one of the things that got to me was if I had had any "dark thoughts" and if I knew what that meant...
I told her I have wanted to 'disappear' for a long time, but I guess she wanted to hear that I do have considered killing myself on a regular basis but the only reason why I am still here is because of my pets. I find no other joy in my life. nothing.
And if I had told her that she most likely still would've said I wasn't even "remotely depressed" and they don't give medication to "those people".
I was weeping and I did raise my voice at her because she just didn't seem to understand that I NEED that "push" (she considereds antidepressants to be a push), to help me get better.
But she kept on saying I wasn't depressed enough. That the things I was feeling now was only because my mum had passed away. But I've felt this way ever since my dad said he wasn't going to live much longer and 3 months later he was dead.

Since I felt it was a onesided conversation, I walked out of there after repeatedly telling her I needed that extra help to be able to move past this sadness/anxiety I'm having and get better.
I shut the wifi off on both my phone and ipad once I got home.
Have been watching series and movies on my laptop all day and cuddling with the ones I hold most dear, my little furry "anchors" to this world. And I'm going to continue to do that now.
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